too tired to think

I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus. I’ve been popping in to read my favourite blogs now and again, but haven’t had the energy to read or write much.

One month ago today was my father in law’s funeral. After a short illness, he died in hospital due to various complications leading to his body not being able to fight the battle. He was only 64.  So unexpected and so hard to accept for us all.

Aside from my own grief, I felt a great need to look after my family. The children had some sense that something was going on, but they largely went on their way doing what kids do. I felt a need to be strong for them and to allow them to continue to carry on with their everyday lives. But it was my mother and sister in law, and husband that I really wanted to take care of. Having not lost a parent or partner myself, I really couldn’t conceive how they were feeling. One of the hardest thing for me was to see my husband in such despair. All I could do was to cook and clean and make sure everything continued along each day.

So now a month has passed. It seems like much more. We live a few hours drive away so it is easier for us to forget that he is no longer there. Obviously it’s not so easy for my mother in law to forget.

I was urged to write something today after Scarlett spent the day at work with me (due to altered child care arrangements with my mother in law). In the middle of the day for no apparent reason she said “We can’t see Grandpa anymore. He’s dead.” She was very matter of fact but solemn. I wonder what it all means to her. The rest of the day she carried on as her usual self (jumping off walls in the park):

I hope she will remember some of the special times she spent with her Grandpa as a young child. She was his first grandchild and he continually marveled at her each time he saw her. He lavished her with books at every occasion (an obsession of his) and delighted in her love of books at such a young age. I know when she is old enough to read some of the special ones he bought her (like the Green Fairy Book) she will cherish them and know that he was someone special.

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3 thoughts on “too tired to think

  1. It's a tough time to get through and sometimes it's the comments from kids that are the most honest and touching.LC's mother died of cancer a couple of years ago and due to a troubled family life, loads of ancient resentments and yet a lot of grief it was *me*, mildly-disliked daughter-in-law, who read the eulogy. It was sad because of how little she lived, how empty her life and I cried for how she gave up, wallowed and blamed.I'm hoping that your f-i-l had a more fulfilling attitude towards the life he led.

  2. Thanks Kath – yes he did have a wonderful outlook on life. He was blissfully ignorant to most things except those things that made him happy. He was not really sick before passing away so he never saw it coming.It is still hard to believe his wit and sarcasm will not be around any more:(

  3. What a sad time for you and your family. I have fond memories of my 'Pop' as a three-year-old, so hopefully Scarlett will remember hers, especially since you have a few special things to keep from him. I hope things are getting easier for you šŸ™‚

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